Episode 57: I'm Sorry

No one likes being the ‘bad guy’, but there are times when we have to own up to our misdeeds and apologize. Saying sorry when you’re in the wrong is a real test of pride and humility. But for relationships to thrive, we have to be willing to admit our mistakes and ask for forgiveness in order to forge ahead onto better pastures. It’s easy to revert to the childish stance of “I’M not saying sorry until YOU say sorry”, or to rely on the ole passive aggressive line; “I’m sorry if you think I did something wrong”. Drop all that. If you really want to repair a relationship that’s on the rocks, you have to leave your ego at the door and acknowledge your faults.

So if you’ve done and/or said something that has hurt your significant other, and you sincerely want to apologize, here are a few tips on how to do it effectively. First, assess the situation. How bad is the fall-out? Is your partner not talking to you at all? Are they open to communication? You’ll need to decide the best way to reach out, whether it’s by email, phone or in-person. While it’s important to allow some time for both sides to cool off, don’t wait too long to give your apology, or you’ll be met with a much higher wall of resentment. Since you are the offender, you have to respect your partner’s space and the pace they set for the interaction. You can’t shove an apology down their ears if they’re not ready to hear it yet, but you need to let them know that you’d like to speak to them; in-person if possible, so that you can apologize.

Saying the word ‘sorry’ is not difficult, it’s the circumstances that surround the reason for the apology that makes it challenging. Not only is it a potentially embarrassing exercise, but it can be painful as well, because apologizing requires both of you to relive the ugly incident that took place. That’s why so many run from making apologies or at best do half-hearted ‘make-up favours’ that don’t directly address what happened, but an apology is implied. So it’s flowers, gifts, or just being extra nice and carrying on as if nothing happened, hoping your partner will take the hint and drop the issue. Now gifts and niceties are well, nice, but be careful not to have those serve as a substitute for saying sorry. ‘Buying’ one’s way out of an apology sets up an unhealthy pattern in a relationship and does nothing to resolve the issue. If you want to get your partner a gift, or do something romantic for them as a way to make-up, save that for after the apology.

So let’s get to the bare bones of it. How do you give a good apology? Well there are some main points you need to hit. First, be specific. Break down exactly what you did wrong - what you said, what you did - and then acknowledge the fact that it hurt your partner. Without offering any excuses, take ownership of your actions and claim responsibility for the role you played in the incident. Right away, you’d have accomplished about 80% of the challenge; accepting responsibility is MAJOR, and your partner will appreciate that. You could almost end there, but we won’t. There are a couple finishing touches that will put the issue to rest and your relationship back on track.

After your detailed apology, include what I like to call a ‘forward statement’. Basically, state your intentions going forward from this point. Make a promise to not repeat the offense, and since you already listed every painful point, you both know exactly what it is. You can also ask for your partner’s patience towards this end, as it may take you a few tries to correct your behaviour. Finally, ask for forgiveness. You’ve laid it all on the line and put the power back in their hands. Again, this will test your pride, but if you love this person, it’s worth it. Now if your partner decides that they are unable to forgive you, you have to accept that. An apology doesn’t guarantee forgiveness; sometimes the damage we’ve done is irreversible. The best you can do at that point is to forgive yourself, be at peace with the situation and be proud of yourself for at least being brave enough to say; “I’m sorry”.

Love,
Geena

Sorry
(download mix here)

Floetry - Apology
Algebra - My Pride
Ayah - Forgive Me Love
Ginuwine - I'll Do Anything (I'm Sorry)
Changing Faces - I Apologize
Luther Vandross - I'm Only Human
Anita Baker - I Apologize
Noel Gourdin - Sorry
Donell Jones - My Apology
Joe - Sorry
Az Yet & Peter Cetera - Hard To Say I'm Sorry
Glenn Lewis - Sorry
Avery Sunshine - Ugly Part Of Me
Tracy Chapman - Baby Can I Hold You
The Platters - I'm Sorry
The Delfonics - I'm Sorry

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Geena Lee
Lovesoul Studio
Toronto, Canada